


maybe you can find me (guess we'll know in time)

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Not Beta Read, POV Alternating, True Love, more than light angst but shhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22172497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Yuzuru hadn't made any new year resolution to change his life, but when his team and family suggested that maybe he should take some things easy, he figured that sometimes it wasn't that terrible, to slow down a little, and to let himself breathe.Javi hadn't been planning on prolonging his short stay in Canada, but when Brian asked him an unusual favour, he found himself agreeing faster than anyone could expect.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 84
Kudos: 168





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sehnyusucht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sehnyusucht/gifts).



> This is a gift for a very lovely person who deserves all the yuzuvier feels, I hope you'll like it!  
> Title from 'Calm after the storm' by The Common Linnets  
> Hope you enjoy!

It was a bit of a funny feeling, to be back in Brian’s office. 

He could remember the first time he had walked in there, nervous and jet- lagged, silently repeating carefully prepared phrases, feeling a tight knot in his stomach and a lump in his throat. There were so many memories connected with that little cluttered room, and Javi couldn’t stop a nostalgic smile from appearing on his lips as he looked around, gaze skimming through familiar walls, covered with even more certificates and notes and pictures than during his last visit.

“I hope I still remember how you like it.” Brian chuckled, putting a mug of coffee in front of Javi, that piece of blue faience he had held so many times. 

“Coffee is coffee, and always saves my life.” Javi grinned, taking a sip and then leaning back in his chair, looking around once again “Not much changed in here, I see.”

“Just more papers and more greys on my head.” Brian joked, sitting down in his armchair and letting out a quiet sigh “So great to see you, Javi.”

“You know you will have on your head anytime I come to Canada, right?”

“Well I hope so. Don’t you ever dare to play a stranger, Javi.”

Javi smiled at that, and looked down at the mug in his hands, enjoying warmth seeping into his skin, and the funny feeling inside him turned into a bit of nostalgia. How many times had he been sitting there, discussing plans for next season, listening to Brian’s scolding or laughing while catching up after vacation? Sometimes it felt like something from decades ago, but in moments like that it felt like mere weeks, memories carved in Javi’s heart, all of good and all of bad. 

“You miss it?”

Javi blinked and looked at Brian, smiling sheepishly when he realized he drifted away for a moment.

“I do.” he admitted “Competing, and being here. And all of you guys.”

“We all miss you too.” Brian said with a gentle smile and Javi nodded silently, letting Brian continue.

“So, Javi, what now? Some vacation?”

“I don’t have plans, really. Thought I could laze at home for a week or so, then I will have some responsibilities around worlds, you know the drill.”

Brian nodded, his eyes searching Javi’s face thoughtfully, as if he was wondering about something, and Javi narrowed his eyes, sending him a smile.

“I know this look.” he said and Brian laughed shortly, shaking his head.

“I wonder from where.”

“Like you’re about to propose me something you are not sureif I will like it.” Javi said, half- serious and half- joking, but he seemed to hit it spot on, because Brian sighed deeply, leaning back in his chair, his gaze turning a bit more serious. 

“Oho.” Javi said, putting the mug on the table and folding his arms in a bit of mocking gesture “I’m listening.”

“Just… I’m not sure if it’s a good idea, but it’s the only idea we have.”

“That’s not telling me much.” Javi said, feeling both intrigued and confused; he wondered if Brian was going to offer him a job again and his heart clenched painfully as he quickly prepared himself to decline, but then Brian spoke again, and Javi forgot all about work offers. 

“Yuzuru needs to go for some vacation, and we thought that you could go with him.”

Javi stared at Brian, slowly digesting his words. And then, he laughed.

“Yeah, I don’t- what the heck, Brian? This is a funny joke, I admit, but-” he bit his tongue when he saw that his former coach didn’t smile, the frown on his face deepening, and Javi took a deep breath, realizing that maybe it wasn’t a joke. 

“Okay.” he sighed “What’s going on?”

“It’s just something we came up with. He’s in a good shape physically, like really good, but you know how he gets. At this point he does whatever he wants during training, and I’m afraid he will just overwork himself. It’s over a month till worlds and I need him to catch a breath, and stay away from the ice, just for a few days.”

“Okay, I get it, but I can’t believe he will say yes to that, that’s so not like him.”

“Actually, he agreed already.” Brian said and Javi gaped, surprised.

“That’s… unexpected.”

“Not really.” Brian said, and his eyes darted aside, as if he was a bit uncomfortable about what he was going to say “I mean, he wasn’t happy, and it took some convincing from us and his mother, but… I guess he realizes that it’s sometimes needed, a break. You know, Javi… it’s more about his head than about his body.”

“His head.” Javi nodded absently, recalling all those seasons together, and the way Yuzuru acted when some big competition was nearing, restless and ignoring the world, caught up in the run against himself. 

“I guess… I mean-” he sighed deeply, rubbing his face “When the unexpected vacation would take place, and where? And Brian, why the hell do you think I’m the best person for that?”

That was something Javi couldn’t quite get. From all the people, Brian knew best how his relationship with Yuzuru looked like, how complicated and fragile and unusual it was. They never really hang out like great friends some people claimed they were, they never really texted except for birthday wishes, congratulation messages or occasional _what’s up_ texts, and now Brian wanted them to spend a few days together, alone? It was making Javi feel weird, long suppressed emotions coming back, whispering into his ear and making his skin itch with something that felt not only like confusion and doubt, but also wonder and excitement, and he winced, shaking his head to look at Brian again, waiting for an answer. 

“Well if you could start tomorrow it would be great.” the coach said and he definitely wasn’t joking “We thought about a cabin Tracy’s cousin owns, it’s a really nice place for what I’ve heard, and not super far-”

“Brian.” Javi said blankly and the older man sighed, putting his elbows on the desk and leaning forward a little.

“Javi, I know that this is- that this is unexpected, and odd, and believe me, the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable. So if anything- look, we talked about it with the team and mrs Hanyu, and you were the only person we could think of.”

“Really.” 

“Mrs Hanyu is an amazing woman, and God knows she’s the most devoted mother, but she needs a break also, and she can’t really- well, he’s not a little boy anymore.”

“You don’t say.” Javi snorted and Brian rolled his eyes.

“Thank you for this necessary comment.” he said flatly before clearing his throat and looking Javi in the eyes, his expression turning soft and nostalgic “It’s just…”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t think anyone can understand him better than you. And that’s what he needs the most right now.”

Javi gulped, feeling his throat clenching around that invisible lump, and there was something weird in his chest, a bit of pressure, a bit of emptiness, odd fluttering of his heart. 

He was afraid that Brian was right, and that thought was making him feel strangely vulnerable, and suddenly all he could think about was Yuzuru, his voice tight, _I can’t do it without you_ , and fear that it was true, and maybe all Javi could do was to agree. 

“Javi?”

“Fine.” Javi said, hoping that the storm raging inside of him wasn’t visible on his face “I’ll do it.”

“You sure? Because if it makes you uncomfortable-”

“We will be okay.” Javi said, swallowing hard, and Brian seemed like he regretted bringing that whole thing up.

“Ja-”

“Don’t worry.” Javi sighed, bringing the mug to his lips and ducking his head in an attempt to hide his traitorous expression “Actually, this… is not the worst idea.”

“Really?” Brian asked, surprised, and Javi laughed, short and breathless.

“I just… I guess I miss him too.” 


	2. Chapter 2

Yuzuru looked around the cabin and bit his lower lip as his eyes searched the space he would be sharing with Javi for the next nine days.

It had been only a little bit awkward, the three hours drive from Toronto; it could have been shorter if it weren’t for Javi’s extreme caution, something typical for a person who had his driving license not for long and had to drive in the middle of Canadian winter.

“Okay, that’s all.” Javi said, coming inside and putting the last bag down on the floor before kicking his shoes off “You chose your bedroom?”

“It doesn’t matter.” Yuzuru shrugged and Javi smiled awkwardly, shrugging a little.

“Well then I’ll be first.” he joked before going to inspect the house.

Yuzuru chose to sit down on the sofa in the cosy living room, looking through the terrace window at the beautiful lake outside, trees covered with snow, peaceful and quiet.

Maybe that was really what he needed?

“Could you text Brian that we made it?” Javi yelled from his room and Yuzuru took his phone out, quickly writing Brian and his mom, and then looked outside again, contemplating.

He knew that it was a surprise for everyone, how easily he had agreed for that, for taking a break before the most important competition of the season. Everyone looked at him carefully, as if not really believing him, waiting for him to change his mind at any moment, even his mom seemed to be a little doubtful. It was a bit annoying, how they treated him like he hadn’t changed at all, but at the same time, he understood them. It was a bit unexpected to everyone including him, that person he was becoming now was a stranger even to himself sometimes.. It was slow, and a bit difficult, but he kind of liked that guy he saw in a mirror everyday, still motivated and hungry for success, but somewhat calmer, and ready to respect that his body and mind had their limits. Skating was still important, probably the most important, but he knew that if he wanted to keep going, and he did, more than anything- he had to take care of himself.

“I will drive to the town and make some groceries, okay?” Javi said, walking into the room and startling Yuzuru a bit, tearing him from his little daze “You want something, or are you coming with me?”

“I’ll stay. Maybe will take care of this.” Yuzuru said, gesturing at the fireplace with a neatly arranged pile of wood. Javi’s mouth twitched, as if he was about to laugh, or tell some joke, but he refrained himself, moving to grab his jacket.

“I’ll buy you some fancy tea.” he promised before leaving, and a moment later Yuzuru heard the engine starting, and then the only sound he heard was his own breathing.

Yuzuru sighed quietly and made his face to the fireplace, crouching next to it and looking for matches or a lighter. It was another annoying thing, how people didn’t think that was able to take care of himself, or light up a fire. They couldn’t trust that he would be okay for his own, and that was why Javi ended up joining him, another thing Yuzuru was curious about.

He had no idea why Javi had agreed to do that. It wasn’t something they did, and Yuzuru used to think that Javi gave up trying to tighten that bond between them,, but apparently he was wrong. Because there they were, a little bit older, a little bit awkward, but Yuzuru felt surprisingly calm, about all of that.

It was Javi, in the end. They would be okay.

Yuzuru found a box of matches and rearranged the wood a little before carefully setting up a fire, smiling when it worked out perfectly with the first try. Now, Javi would come back to a warm house, and Yuzuru could bet he would be surprised, and Yuzuru wouldn’t be blaming him for that. They had grown so much during those months apart, and Yuzuru felt older than twenty- five, sometimes, as if that time without Javi counted for so much more.

Whatever Javi’s reasons were, Yuzuru was happy that they were there, for more reasons he was still able to admit. There was no point in looking at the past, or what could be. Yuzuru was done with what ifs, and he just wanted to spend a few calm days, rest, walk in the snow and hang out with Javi, finally.

It seemed like a good plan, didn’t it?

Javi came back twenty minutes later, with grocery bags in his arms and snow in his hair.

“If it keep on snowing like that we will get stuck here till spring.” he joked, moving around the small kitchen that was separated from the living only by a long kitchen island “Oh, you made it-?”

“It’s not that hard.” Yuzuru shrugged “But I think we will need more wood, for tomorrow.”

“I will take care of that in the morning.” Javi said before making his way to the sofa and sitting down next to Yuzuru, sighing loudly “Damn, I’m exhausted.”

“Everything okay?” Yuzuru asked, looking at Javi closely and contemplating if it would be okay to reach out and touch his temple, but he stopped himself. Now, when there was no competition and no need for goodbyes, intimate gestures seemed a little bit out of place, not needed, no matter how much Yuzuru wanted to rest his head on Javi’s shoulder. They both had to figure out how to work in that small space for the next few days without making each other uncomfortable.

“Just, you know.” Javi shrugged “The drive was pretty adventurous.”

“You don’t have your license long, yes?”

“A few months. Finally had time.” Javi chuckled, looking at Yuzuru, his lips forming an easy smile “Your English got really good, you know?”

“Everyone says that, but I had too.” Yuzuru said “With all the new people.”

“Hmm?”

_ They can’t understand me the way you always could. You didn’t need words, to get me. _

“Javi, I need to ask you something.” Yuzuru chose to say and Javi nodded, shifting a little so they were facing each other, smile still there.

“Yeah?”

“Why are you here?”

Javi didn’t seem surprised at all, smiling a bit wider and moving a little closer.

“Brian thought it was a good idea. So you’re not alone.”

Yuzuru had to bite back the response that he wasn’t a child anymore, but shook his head slightly, getting back to the point.

“It’s not what I mean. I want to ask- why you agreed.”

“Oh.” Javi muttered, his smile turning a bit sheepish, and he laughed quietly, with that particular way that was telling Yuzuru he was feeling a bit unsure.

“Yes?” he pressed, just a little, and Javi shrugged, looking down at his hands for a second before returning his gaze to Yuzuru’s face.

“I always thought it would be nice, to… hmm-”

“Hang out?”

“Be friends.” Javi blurted out and then biting his lip for a moment, looking a bit anxious, as if he wasn’t sure if Yuzuru wouldn’t be offended by that.

But Yuzuru wasn’t offended, at all. In fact, he was so touched he felt like he could cry, but blinked rapidly a few times, chasing the tears away.

They were so many things, him and Javi, and the had been playing that game so long, trying to find balance between sympathy they had for each other and a strain that reality was putting over them. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t always pretty, and Yuzuru regretted handling some things the way he had. But now he had a chance to do something he never could- to get closer to Javi, to get to know him better, to earn the right to call him his good friend.

But before he could put any of those thoughts to words, Javi spoke again, quick and quiet, as if a little bit embarrassed.

“I missed you, you know.”

“I missed you too.” Yuzuru said without missing a beat, and there it was, a wide grin on Javi’s face, easy and teasing.

“Well, I’ve heard some stories-”

Yuzuru groaned, and shoved him playfully, feeling everything inside him relaxing. That was familiar, slipping into the easy safety of jokes and not fully seriousness. If it was going to be like that, it would be a good week.

“Okay, I will go change and then we can, hmm, maybe watch some movie? Or maybe you have something you want to do-”

“I tried really hard not to make any plan.” Yuzuru said, chuckling “I’m always on a schedule, except now. And movie sounds nice.”

“Good.” Javi smiled, standing up and stretching a little, his joints cracking “Ah, my old bones, so unhappy.”

“I will be doing some exercises to keep myself in good form, so you can always join me.” Yuzuru said and Javi chuckled, warm and fluttering.

“Like good old times, huh? I will for sure consider.”

He walked away, and a moment later Yuzuru heard the sound of a running shower. He smiled to himself and looked outside the window, at snow falling in the dim light of a winter afternoon, and he wondered how it would be, him and Javi, with no sheet of ice between them, that thing that was both pulling them closer and pushing them apart.

Yuzuru took a deep breath, and put a hand over his heart, feeling its strong, a tad too fast rhythm.

Just don’t think too much.

_ Don’t overcomplicate that one thing. _

* * *

When Yuzuru woke up, the first thing he registered what that his nose was cold, and then, the unusual quiet surrounding him. He was used to harsh ringing of his alarm, and sounds of a busy street coming through the window; but now he was looking at the bright wall, and the only thing he heard was his own heartbeat and a quiet cracking of a shutter moved by wind.

Yuzuru groaned quietly and reached for his phone, rubbing his eyes, and he gasped when he saw it was a few minutes after 10AM. He couldn’t remember the last time he had slept till that late, and he winced when he realized how much of the day was already wasted.

But then, he relaxed.

That was the point of that whole thing, in the end.

He stayed in the bed for a few minutes longer, scrolling through his phone and answering a few texts before turning the thing off. He didn’t change his clothes, just pulled on some socks and a hoodie, and paced to the kitchen. It was empty, but there was a pot standing on a small fire, and when Yuzuru raised the lid curiously, he discovered some promising broth. He was wondering where Javi had gone, but then the question was answered by the man himself, walking in with a pile of firewood in his arms.

“Hello there.” he grinned, putting the wood next to the fireplace “Slept good?”

“Yeah, and long.” Yuzuru nodded “But you woke up early?”

“Even I sometimes do.” Javi chuckled and Yuzuru smiled before turning to prepare himself something to drink.

The night before had been nice. They watched some movie with a plot so predictable they spent most of it on catching up, talking, Javi’s eyes shining when he talked about his shows and all the projects he was running, Yuzuru talking about how his days were going, focusing mostly on training, and Javi was nodding with understanding, like he knew exactly what Yuzuru meant. Later they found chess and spent good hour on trying to remember how to play it.

It was so easy, to be with Javi like that, so surprisingly light, without the weight of competition pushing them down and pulling them apart. It felt a bit like during summer shows, when they could try to forget for a few blissful days, forget about the strain that would appear between them a few weeks later. Now, there was no battle between them, and the only thing was that Javi would leave soon, once again, but maybe that time it would hurt a little less, Yuzuru knowing that things were better.

They spent the morning and most of the afternoon both doing their thing, Javi splayed on the sofa with his phone or napping, early waking up apparently not working perfectly. Yuzuru chose himself a place on the carpet in front of the fireplace, looking through his school books and trying not to think about skating, and even succeeding, for most of the time.

“I thought you were supposed to rest, not do homework.” Javi mumbled from his spot sleepily and Yuzuru shrugged, sending Javi a smile over his shoulder.

“It’s resting. It’s nice, to have more time for that.”

“Hmm.” Javi hummed and then groaned quietly as he sit up, rubbing his eyes before looking at Yuzuru more intently “You know, I was surprised.”

“With?” Yuzuru asked, turning around so now he could look at Javi properly, and Javi laughed shortly, scratching his neck.

“That you agreed to come. I thought I would have to stop you from trying to skate on that frozen lake.”

“Well, I’m stopping myself from doing that, yes.” Yuzuru said with the best serious face he could pull off before smiling widely “But I’m trying.”

“That’s good-”

“I learned that from you.” Yuzuru added and Javi blinked quickly, confusion blossoming on his face.

“Huh?”

“You-” Yuzuru scrunched his nose, thinking how to put it best “You always cared, about yourself, in some things. You knew when to stop.”

“Is that the matter?” Javi asked quietly, his expression all serious and thoughtful now “That you don’t know when to stop?”

“Maybe I should, some time ago.” Yuzuru shrugged “But I don’t want to yet.”

“Yuzu-”

“But it’s okay. You see, I know how to take vacation now. Self-care?”

“Yeah, that’s good.” Javi laughed absently before sighing quietly and patting a pillow next to him “Come here.”

Yuzuru hesitated only for a second, his heart skipping a beat, and he scrambled to his feet, making his way to Javi.

“Yes?” he asked, sitting with his legs crossed, and Javi didn’t answer right away, just looked at Yuzuru with some peculiar look in his eyes.

“Nothing.” he said finally, chuckling sheepishly and looking down at some spot close to Yuzuru’s collarbone, and Yuzuru scoffed.

“You can’t do that!”

“Yes I do.” Javi grinned, flicking Yuzuru on the nose.

“No you can’t! That’s not fair!” Yuzuru announced, only a bit annoyed, and he moved to catch Javi’s hand with his, not really thinking about it until he felt warm, calloused skin against his palm, and suddenly something flicked.

For some reason Yuzuru’s cheeks were feeling warmer now, and he was aware of every inch of Javi’s hand in his, fingers tingling weirdly but not unpleasantly. It was odd, and it was even more odd when their eyes met and Yuzuru saw that Javi’s expression shifted, his gaze filled with wonder. He had looked at Yuzuru like that in the past, years before, and there was something magnetic about that look in his eyes, something what made Yuzuru want to shift closer, maybe lean in, and-

“Well.” Javi cleared his throat and Yuzuru blinked quickly, letting go of Javi’s hand as if it was a burning coal “I think I’m hungry. You’re hungry?”

Yuzuru wasn’t, but he nodded dumbly and Javi smiled at him and basically jumped off the sofa and went to the kitchen, making much more noise that was needed.

Yuzuru stared at his hand, curling it in a fist and trying not to feel like a teenager again.

They spent that evening almost the same way as the previous one, watching a movie and then sprawling themselves on the carpet and taking the chess out, both of them confident in their abilities to win that were quickly dommed when reality showed that they weren’t master strategists in that case.

“My grandpa would be so disappointed.” Javi whined, staring at the board “We spent such long hours on playing, now I feel dumb.”

“It’s complicated, okay.” Yuzuru muttered, focused as well.

The weird moment of tension from hours before seemed long gone and forgotten and Yuzuru was glad; the last thing he wanted was to overcomplicate things now, when everything was on such a good path.

You’re not supposed to think of what ifs anymore.

“Okay, so this will go, hmm, here-” Javi hummed and was just about to make a move when his phone rang and he flinched, glancing at the screen “Uh, excuse me for a second.” he said, flashing Yuzuru a smile before picking the phone up.

It was a short conversation Yuzuru understood nothing from since it was in Spanish, but he used to opportunity to look at Javi closely, and his heart clenched weirdly when he saw how his eyes lit up with some warm, bright light, his voice soft as he spoke the words with care and love.

Yuzuru swallowed hard, and looked down at the board, trying to focus on what was in front of him, but for some reason he couldn’t make sense of anything, his everything working like in slow motion for a moment.

“Sorry, I’m back.” Javi said, putting the phone away “So, what was I-”

“Something important?” Yuzuru asked, not able to stop himself from blurting the question out.

“Just mom wanting to make sure all is okay, and that I’m wearing my scarf. Had to scold her for not being asleep.”

His voice was filled with fondness, like always when he was talking about his family, and Yuzuru felt incredibly dumb, blush of embarrassment creeping on his neck and threatening to crawl to his face also. He hoped that Javi wouldn’t notice, occupied by the game again, but Javi did, and Yuzuru could feel his gaze on him, but he stubbornly refused to raise his head and meet Javi’s eyes.

“You okay?”

“Mhh.” Yuzuru muttered “Your move.” he said and then, he had no idea why, the words escaped his mouth as if they had their own will “That was your mom?”

“Yeah, I just said?” Javi said and when Yuzuru glanced at him, he noticed that his expression was full of confusion “Who else could call me at this hour, except her, or Laura. Or possibly my agent, damn he’s ruthless-”

“And girlfriend?”

It was something Yuzuru had been wondering about, if Javi’s girlfriend didn’t have anything against his prolonged stay in Canada. He made a firm decision not to bring the topic up but now, he just couldn’t help but ask. They were getting closer, right? It was normal, to talk about stuff like that, Yuzuru thought, but judging by Javi’s baffled expression, he could have been wrong.

“What girlfriend?”

“Your?”

“I don’t have one.” Javi said, wincing a little “Not anymore.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru nodded dumbly “Okay. Okay, I see.”

“Okay.” Javi repeated, tilting his head a little, expression unreadable “What about you?”

“Huh?”

“Any girlfriend?” Javi asked and Yuzuru gulped, regretting starting this conversation.

“No, no. No time. No interest.” he said and a corner of Javi’s mouth twitched, as if he was about to smile, or say something.

“Cool.” he shrugged, smiling easily and bowing his head to look at the chessboard “So, still my move?”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru nodded, and for some reason his stomach felt like tied in tight knots “Yeah, your move.”

Javi looked up at him, flashing him a smile that made Yuzuru think that maybe he should take that phrase to his heart too, and he winced at that, shaking his head.

* * *

  
  


_ “This is weird.” _

_ Yuzuru can hear Javi’s voice coming from behind him, but he doesn’t turn away, he’s not sure why but he just doesn’t. Instead he just keeps on staring at the view in front of him, mountains covered in snow, a frozen lake, ice looking perfect and smooth, shimmering in the sunlight, inviting Yuzuru to come closer, beautiful and tempting. _

_ “What is?” _

_ “That even now you have to choose.” _

_ “Do I?” _

_ “Don’t you?” _

_ Yuzuru clicks his tongue with annoyance, eyes focused, and he takes a step closer, closer to the edge, and he can see the ice down there, so perfect. _

_ “Well fine.” Javi sighs, and Yuzuru can feel strong arms hugging him from behind, warm breath fluttering against his ear “Just remember-” _

_ “Huh?” Yuzuru mumbles, trying to count golden reflections dancing on the surface of the lake. _

_ Javi chuckles, and presses a kiss to Yuzuru’s cheek before he pushes him hard and Yuzuru is falling, he fal- _

Yuzuru woke up with a sigh, eyes fixing on the ceiling above his head.

For a moment, he didn’t think about anything.

It wasn’t the first time he dreamed about Javi, obviously. Over the years Yuzuru saw him so many times, in countless scenarios. In the beginning it had been tough and confusing, his teenage- self not knowing what to do with all those images his brain was showing him, fueled by that spark of attraction he was feeling for his teammate, something he tried to shove down over the years.

That little thing that apparently had never disappeared, and Yuzuru scrunched his nose, eyes studying shadows of branches swaying on the white surface of the ceiling.

Would he do something about it, if he had a chance?

It wasn’t like he had never thought about it, because of course he had, especially when he was younger and before he decided that winning was more important than what wouldn’t be anyway.

But now, Yuzuru was lying in a bed that wasn’t his own but felt more comfortable than any other before, and he didn’t, he didn’t want to wonder, to regret, to mess things up. So he got up and went to the kitchen, realizing that now he was the one to be up first. He decided to prove everyone- well, to Javi- that he was a real adult, who was able not only to set up a fire, but also prepare breakfast.

Javi appeared in the kitchen just in time for Yuzuru do be done with coffee and omelets, not as pretty as his mom’s but fully edible.

“Wow, this is some feast!” Javi exclaimed, rubbing his right eye before smiling at Yuzuru sleepily “I see I woke up just in time.”

"If not, I would go to wake you up." Yuzuru said, threatening Javi with a fork "Brutally."

"Maybe another time." Javi chuckled, winking playfully and Yuzuru gulped, turning around to hide his face.

The meal went in good atmosphere, Javi full of appreciation and engaging Yuzuru in some light bickering. It was fun and comfortable, and Yuzuru's weird mood from before evaporated.

_ What if, what if, don't. _

* * *

"I'm going out for a moment."

"Yeah?" Javi asked, turning away from the fireplace he was arranging to light up for the afternoon "Going to watch the sunset?"

"Mhh."

The truth was Yuzuru didn't really care about the sunset. He just wanted to go out for a while, after almost two full days spent inside. Now it wasn't snowing, and the biting wind from the day before was gone, and once Yuzuru was outside, he took a deep breath, chilly air filling his lungs. It tasted good, and Yuzuru smiled to himself as he walked to closer to the lake spread in front of him, sparkling in the golden orange of the setting sun.

It was calm, and beautiful, and it made Yuzuru's heart clench, because how many moments like that he had missed out? He tried not to regret anything he had done, but sometimes he couldn't help but wonder if maybe he tried with a little less intensity, he wouldn't be feeling as if half of his life somehow slipped through his fingers.

Yuzuru sighed, and sat down on the ground, ignoring the cold seeping through his pants and closing his eyes against the sudden burning under his eyelids.

He would sit there, just for a moment, and he didn't really care when it started snowing again. In fact, he took his hat off, for some weird reason enjoying cold dots falling on his head and face, and he just decided not to think, letting everything flow past him, just for a little while-

“Yuzu? Hey, this ain’t funny-”

Yuzuru’s eyes snapped open, and he noticed that it was pretty dark now, the sky dark with only a few smudges of colour, above the horizon. He was cold, but for some reason he didn’t mind, because when had been the last moment he could allow himself to do that, lose track of time with no one bothering him.

“Yuzu?”

“I’m here, here.” Yuzuru exclaimed, standing up and making a weak attempt to get rid of snow covering his jacket and pants.

“I’m going to murder you.” Javi breathed out when he reached Yuzuru thirty second later, reaching to grab his sleeve “And where is your hat?”

“In my pocket-”

“I was supposed to be the irresponsible one.” Javi grumbled, dragging Yuzuru back to the cabin “A moment, sure-”

“Sorry.” Yuzuru muttered, for some reason feeling incredibly giddy as he took his shoes and jacket off while Javi disappeared for a moment, coming back with a pile of clothes and pushing Yuzuru on the sofa. The stern expression on his face was so unusual it was kind of hilarious to Yuzuru, but he bit his lip as he dutifully changed into dry clothes he wasn’t sure were his. He didn’t have a chance to ask, because then Javi was sitting right in front of him, and Yuzuru had to bite back a chuckle once again. 

“If you get pneumonia, I swear-” Javi muttered, rubbing Yuzuru’s shoulders “What the hell were you thinking?”

“It’s just snow, Javi.” Yuzuru chuckled, feeling giddy and light-headed “And I’m warm now.”

“Uhh.” Javi scoffed before grabbing a towel and throwing it over Yuzuru’s head. drying his hair with decided moves.

“Hey!” Yuzuru squealed, trying to get away, but Javi didn’t let him, laughing quietly as all the stress seemed to be leaving his body.

And Yuzuru felt like laughing too, little bubbles forming in his chest, tickling as they made their way to leave his mouth in quiet giggles.

“You’re like my mom. When I was little, after swimming pool.” he said and Javi snorted.

“Wow, I feel honored, comparing me to your mother-” he chuckled, throwing the towel away so Yuzuru could see his face again, bathed in a soft orange light coming from a fireplace, his eyes shining even more than usual, golden sparks dancing in his hair.

“I am, actually. Comparing you.” Yuzuru said and Javi scoffed again, bringing his hand to card through Yuzuru’s hair, still a little bit damp.

“Well-”

“Because you’re both kind.” Yuzuru continued, not allowing Javi to interrupt “Because you both care. About me.”

Javi’s hand stopped on the top of Yuzuru’s head, and his expression shifted, turning thoughtful and curious, and maybe even a little bit anxious, a flicker of fear in his eyes as he searched Yuzuru’s face, looking for something, an answer for some unnamed question.

Yuzuru thought he knew, though, and he smiled, his gaze locking with Javi’s.

Javi swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and his hand moved down hesitantly, resting it on Yuzuru’s nape, warm but somehow feeling unsure.

Javi was always so easy to read, at least to Yuzuru. He always knew when Javi was tired or annoyed or nervous; and now, Javi’s expression was anxious and hopeful at once, torn between longing and fear that he would break something precious, do something that he wouldn’t be able to take back. He had been wearing a similar expression years earlier, when he was about to leave for his last competition, and nothing had happened back then, because Yuzuru stepped away and Javi did nothing to close the distance between them again, quiet and respectful, like during all those years they spent together.

And now, Yuzuru didn’t want to back away.

“Yes.” he murmured and Javi blinked, fingers sliding to the side of Yuzuru’s neck, touch feather-like and barely there.

“What?” he asked, his expression and voice filled with so much innocent confusion Yuzuru’s heart melted, a little bit.

He took Javi’s hand and kissed his wrist, letting his lips linger, feeling warmth and smoothness and a rapid pulse.

“Yuzu-”

Javi’s voice was rough and quiet, and just a bit helpless, as if he was standing in front of a puzzle he didn’t know how to solve, or as if he was afraid to try, too anxious to mess up the fragile pieces.

Yuzuru took Javi’s hand, covering it with his two palms, and pressed it against his heart, fingers entwined. Javi stared at him for a moment longer before breathing out, slow and a bit shaky, and then he smiled back, careful, tentative, and he leaned in, just a little, before stopping and looking at Yuzuru with eyes that seemed to burn.

It was always Yuzuru who set the boundaries between them, allowing Javi to come as close as he was feeling comfortable with, and then drifting away, like waves of an ocean that was separating them so many times.

But every wave has to come back to the shore, doesn’t it?

Yuzuru closed the distance between them once again, but that time it was different than before. Now it felt as if every second had a significance, and as if that time it was Javi who had to decide if to back off or not.

It felt so right, the first meeting of their lips, just a gentle brush, the lightest of touches sending a spark of electricity that ran up and down Yuzuru’s spine.

Javi gasped quietly, and moved his hand to cup Yuzuru’s cheek, but beside that there was no reaction, only his rapid breathing against Yuzuru’s mouth, hot, desperate and unmoved.

Yuzuru smiled, his eyelids fluttering, because he knew, he could see what Javi was thinking, what he was feeling, all of his emotions radiating from him and seeping through Yuzuru’s skin right to his pounding heart.

So Yuzuru could feel it, the longing, and last remains of hesitation, just a bit of shyness.

It’s not easy, to jump into the ocean, even if you think you know what awaits you.

Yuzuru kept his eyes open as he moved, pressing his lips to Javi’s chin, his cheek, near to his ear, before pressing their foreheads together, noses brushing.

“What is this?” Javi murmured, fingers curling against Yuzuru’s jaw, voice full of awe “What are we doing?”

“Can I kiss you?” Yuzuru whispered, caressing Javi’s cheek before gently twisting his fingers in his hair “Please.”

Javi breathed out softly, half gasp and half laughter, and then he put two fingers under Yuzuru’s chin, tilting his head up just a little bit.

There was no hesitation in Javi’s moves now, but so much care and affection, and a little bit of shyness, and Yuzuru didn’t dare to rush, didn’t want to rush when everything felt so perfect, Javi’s warm lips against his, his fingers stroking Yuzuru’s face and neck. It was slow and soft, a little bit uncertain, until Yuzuru bit on Javi’s lower lip gently, curious of the reaction.

Javi gasped, shivering so hard Yuzuru could feel it, and then both of his hand were holding Yuzuru’s face as the kiss turned impossibly heated, Javi’s lips moving with some helpless urgency, and Yuzuru’s brain short circuited. He moaned quietly, fingers curling on the collar of Javi’s shirt, his body reacting as he kissed Javi back with everything he had, his body feeling like on fire, warm and tingling and making him crave for more. They kept on kissing, taking only small breaks to catch their breaths, close, breathing against each other lips before diving in again, and again, and again, hungry and mindless. Yuzuru’s head was swimming, and he wasn’t really thinking, following what his body wanted, more and always closer, and Yuzuru’s hand moved do Javi’s hip. It was a simple gesture, but for some reason it made Javi yelp quietly, and it made Javi pull away rapidly, hands moving to Yuzuru’s shoulder as if to keep him at distance.

“Huh?” Yuzuru mumbled, feeling dizzy, and Javi took a deep breath, blinking quickly.

"I, um, wait-" he sighed, and Yuzuru felt a spike of anxiety, tearing him out of his fuzzy daze. Was he going to hear that it was a mistake? Would they be awkward, and uncomfortable now, and maybe Javi would like to go back to Toronto immediately-

Javi sighed brokenly, his thumb stroking Yuzuru's neck gently, and Yuzuru couldn't hold back, opening his mouth and trying to put what he felt in words, even though it seemed almost impossible even to him, trying to make sense of everything going on inside him.

“I like you.”

“I like you too.” Javi said without hesitation “I like you a lot.”

“I know.” Yuzuru chuckled “Noticed.”

Javi laughed at that, short and nervous, and then sighed, running his hand through his hair.

“Do we need to talk about it? I think we do.” he said and Yuzuru’s heart skipped a beat.

Of course they had to. Because no matter how good and giddy and excited he felt- they couldn’t just leave it without any words. They hadn’t that too much talking in the past and Yuzuru knew that now- now it was serious.

“We do.” Yuzuru nodded, wondering if it would be okay to take Javi’s hand, or maybe it would be a bit intrusive.

Sure, they kissed. They liked each other. Maybe, with time and care, they could be more.

But what was going to happen now, was an entirely different question.

Javi cleared his throat, opened his mouth and then closed them, shrugging a bit awkwardly. There was something sweet about that, about his shyness and uncertainty, and Yuzuru decide that he could be the one to start.

“I know that Brian wanted you to join the team.” he said and Javi flinched, looking him straight in the eyes “I know you didn’t want to.”

“I-”

“I know.” Yuzuru muttered, moving closer and taking Javi’s hand, finally giving in “I like you. A lot. But this-” he swallowed over the truth “- that… wouldn’t work out. I think.”

“Because you skate.” Javi said quietly, entwining their fingers together.

“Because I skate.” Yuzuru nodded “And skating is-”

“I know.” Javi said quickly, as if he didn’t want to hear Yuzuru say that out loud, and then sighed, hesitating a little before trying “Maybe-”

“Please don’t.” Yuzuru said, pressing his fingers to Javi’s lips “Just-” he sighed, frustrated, wishing that there was an easy way to do that. But there wasn’t. Because despite all the feelings, and the warmth sparking in between them- their reality couldn’t be changed by that.

Not really.

“You like how it is now, don’t you? In Spain.” Yuzuru said gently and Javi blinked, a flicker of understanding in his eyes, his thumb stroking Yuzuru’s palm gently.

“I do.” he said quietly “It’s everything I missed for all these years.”

And there it was.

Two lives, on two different sides of the ocean. A baggage of memories they both carried, but not really a possible future to try and build whatever it was, between them. Yuzuru wasn’t going to give up skating, not yet, and he knew that Javi didn’t want to give up his life in Spain. And Yuzuru didn’t want him to give it up, and he didn’t want to start something new and complicated and fueled by texts and calculating time- zones.

Couldn’t they settle for what they had, just once? Stop chasing after something bigger and uncertain, and just enjoy now?

“So.” Javi smiled, a bit nervous but warm, as if he could read Yuzuru’s thoughts “What’s going to happen now?”

“Now-” Yuzuru smiled back, moving even closer and reaching to touch Javi’s cheek “Now, we have a week.”

“Seven days for seven years.” Javi murmured, his expression turning a bit nostalgic, and Yuzuru’s heart clenched.

Was it everything they could have? One kiss, first and last at the same time?

Or maybe, not exactly.

“Javi.” Yuzuru whispered, leaning forward just a little, giving Javi space if he wanted to back away “Can we do this?”

Javi took a deep breath and leaned in as well, his nose touching Yuzuru’s cheek, lips ghosting over his jaw.

“So this is our first date now?” he asked and Yuzuru laughed breathlessly, moving a little so their foreheads were pressed together.

“I guess we have seven years.” he said, and Javi took a deep breath again, one hand coming to cup the back of Yuzuru’s neck “And then?”

“And then- we will be okay.” Yuzuru whispered “I promise.”

“Okay.” Javi whispered back “I promise.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a weird couple of days and I hope this chapter isn't a total mess??? I kinda like it how it turned out and I hope you'll enjoy too!

Javi sighed contentedly, wrapping one arm around Yuzuru’s waist, keeping him steady but not pulling closer, and Yuzuru hummed quietly as he continued kissing his way down Javi’s neck, fingers hooking on the collar of Javi’s shirt to expose more skin.

“I think the toasts are burning.” he chuckled, a bit shaky, and Yuzuru for real considered ignoring that and just continuing his ministrations, not really ready to step away just yet. Javi’s skin was warm under his lips, soft from sleep, just a hint of salt on the tip of Yuzuru’s tongue, making his head spin a little. But he couldn’t really pretend that he didn’t feel the distinct scent of burnt bread and pulled back with a deep sigh, pouting when Javi grinned at him before making an attempt to save their breakfast. 

“I will just put extra butter on that and we will be good.” Javi announced happily and Yuzuru didn’t even mention that he wasn’t really eating butter too often, because he was too busy staring at the back of Javi’s neck, sparks dancing in his belly. 

The last three days had been kind of a blur, one warm fusion of laughter and touches and kisses, and in some moments Yuzuru almost couldn’t believe that it was all real. But it was, and it felt so right, to suddenly be able to curl on Javi’s lap, to kiss his cheek all of the sudden, just because he wanted to.

It wasn’t something he had been thinking a lot about, to be honest. Of course, there were some dreams, hazed products of his teenage mind, and those short moments in which he stared at Javi absently and wondered how would it feel, to kiss him. 

He had never planned that. 

And now he was staring at Javi, standing barefoot and fixing their food, all relaxed shoulders and soft curls, and Yuzuru couldn’t help but smile, and maybe, he couldn’t help but want that, want him, as close as possible for as long as he could. 

They ate breakfast in totally comfortable atmosphere, joking around a little, their feet meeting under that table, wide glances they threw at each other in between absently checking news on their phones, quiet, easy and totally peaceful. 

“Was thinking about going for a walk to the town, we could use a few more things.” Javi said when they finished eating and just lingered at the table with their cups still half full “Come with me?”

“Walk?” Yuzuru scrunched his nose “It’s long.”

“Like, three kilometers, it’s not that bad.” Javi grinned and Yuzuru scoffed, raising his leg and poking Javi’s thigh with his foot.

“But both ways, it’s six!”

“Come on, it will be fun! The weather is nice, the road is easy, and everything we need will fit into my backpack. It’s not fun, to stay at home all the time.”

“Well-”

“Please, please, pretty please?” Javi said, making a pleading face and tickling Yuzuru’s foot, making him squeal.

“Okay, okay, fine!”

“Ha, I knew you wanted to!”

Yuzuru didn’t answer, only rolled his eyes dramatically and stood up, grabbing his cup and going to his room so he could change and prepare for the trip to the store. He used the moment of being alone to open his messages and finally send proper texts to his mom and Brian, the two of them asking anxiously how the things were going.

Yuzuru bit his lower lip as he typed, feeling butterflies awakening in his stomach. 

The previous two day had been so good, him and Javi being comfortable and careless and so happy. They didn’t make any attempt to talk about that, because they both knew what it was. Just the two of them, sharing warmth and affection. They talked, and laughed, played board and card games, and kissed on the sofa while watching a movie, and in the kitchen while waiting for water to boil. It was easy, and Yuzuru was trying his best not to overcomplicate, even though in some moments he could feel something odd in the pit of his stomach, a weird feeling he couldn’t quite name. 

He shook his head a little, quickly typing the messages and then throwing the phone on the bed. He had better things to do, now. 

Yuzuru wasn’t too big on walking, usually. His house in Toronto was in a such a distance that walking there wasn’t an option; when he was in some city for competing or show he didn’t usually have time for walks or sightseeing, his schedule too full. Beside that, in cities he visited for competitions the risk of being recognized was too high for his liking, and he wasn’t looking forward to be surrounded and followed by herds of people. 

But now, it was different.

They were walking down a snowy road, curving gently through the forest, totally empty and quiet, and it almost felt like they were the only two people existing in the world, their steps slow, hands linked. 

“What are you thinking about?” Javi asked quietly, squeezing Yuzuru’s hand.

“Just, hm-” Yuzuru hummed, feeling himself blushing a little behind his scarf, because he wasn’t really eager to tell Javi that he had been thinking about the night before, and how they had kissed at the door of Yuzuru’s bedroom, and Javi didn’t make any attempt to move things further. 

And that was something Yuzuru couldn’t help but think about. 

He couldn’t deny the strong physical attraction he was feeling towards Javi, and he could clearly see that Javi’s feelings were similar, but they didn’t go past making out, and Yuzuru knew that it wouldn’t be right, to push for more, now matter how much lust was coiling inside him. They hadn’t really talked about it, and Yuzuru wasn’t sure if they should, painfully aware that in a few days they would go back to Toronto and then Javi would leave again, coming back to his beloved hometown, and all of that would become only an incredible memory Yuzuru would treasure forever. 

But now Javi was looking at him with an expecting smile and Yuzuru didn’t want to voice those thoughts, too scared to ripple that calm surface they were floating on.

“This and that.” Yuzuru shrugged, smiling innocently, and Javi rolled his eyes before stopping abruptly, pulling Yuzuru closer.

“What-”

Javi kissed him, slow and lingering, his gloved fingers brushing Yuzuru’s cheek. 

There was something so right about that, standing on the side of the road, snow falling from the trees above them from time to time. But then, all of a sudden, Yuzuru couldn’t stop himself from imagining someone seeing them, recognizing him, and he felt his muscles tensing as for the past time in the last few days he felt uneasy.

Javi sensed that immediately, because he pulled back rapidly, still holding Yuzuru closer and looking at him intently, his brow furrowing in concern. 

“All good?” he asked and Yuzuru sighed, feeling bad for breaking the bubble. 

And he didn’t want to tell Javi the reason why he was startled. He didn’t want to talk about, about the world and future existing beyond that small corner of the universe that now was only theirs, safe and quiet, and he didn’t want to disturb it. 

“Just wondering if we will manage to carry everything we buy.” he said, and he watched how Javi’s smile dimmed just a little bit, his fingers caressing Yuzuru’s cheek.

“Of course you are, since I’m going to carry all of that.” he said, his voice light and just the right amount of sarcasm. It was obvious that he knew Yuzuru was hiding something, but didn’t say anything, as if agreeing to Yuzuru’s silent rules. 

They resumed their walk, as if nothing had happened, and after a moment Yuzuru felt himself relaxing a little bit. 

There was no point to worry. The only thing that mattered was now anyway. 

When they came back to the cabin, they were both freezing and giddy, Javi complaining about being too old to carry such weight, but Yuzuru knew he was only being funny. 

“You can go rest in the shower and I will make wine. Hot wine?”

“Mulled wine.” Javi chuckled, tilting his head and looking at Yuzuru with interest “Didn’t know you knew how to make or that you like it.”

“I can google, and I never had it. Just thought it will be nice.” Yuzuru shrugged sheepishly and Javi’s smile turned tender and happy.

“It will be.” he nodded, reaching to touch Yuzuru’s cheek briefly “Give me ten?”

“You can have twenty.”

“Generous!”

Yuzuru had never drunk mulled wine; to be exact the only alcohol he would drink from time to time was a glass of plum wine once in a few months, but since he was on vacation now, it was great opportunity to try some new things, even if it was just a bit of alcohol. If he got drunk, he was sure he was totally safe with Javi. 

He poured the wine into the pot and put it on a small fire, humming to himself quietly as he added all the ingredients, a bit of honey they had bought, and some spices he found in cupboards, a bit of cinnamon, a few cloves. The recipe mentioned also anise, but Yuzuru scrunched his nose with distaste, refusing to add that thing to anything. 

Javi was back fifteen minutes later, wearing washed out jeans and a soft blue t-shirt, his hair still damp and curling over his forehead. He smelled like plain soap and lemon, and when he leaned in to kiss the corner of Yuzuru’s mouth, there was a faint tang of toothpaste on the tip of his tongue, and for some reason butterflies in Yuzuru’s stomach went crazy. 

Javi took care of the fireplace quickly and then they settled down on the carpet, as usual, Javi grinning devilishly as he took grabbed Scrabble and put it down between them, ignoring Yuzuru’s protesting whine. 

“Nooo!”

“Yes.” 

“I will lose-”

“Giving up before starting? What have you done to Yuzu?” Javi teased and that of course sparked Yuzuru’s competitive spirit. 

“Okay fine.” he sighed dramatically before taking a sip of his wine; it tasted nice and not too sweet, and well, who he was to refuse a challenge?

“But I start.”

“Of course you do.”

Maybe Yuzuru’s English got better, but it was mostly about speaking, and his spelling abilities weren’t terrific. He was sure Javi gave him a pass a few times, biting his lip as he would say that it was a great and totally existing word, giving him all the points. Yuzuru didn’t know if he was slightly annoyed or totally charmed. Probably both. 

“This is so hard.” he chose to complain anyway, arduously putting down a word  _ pumpkin  _ “Who thinks it’s fun?”

“Me and millions other people.” Javi stated, staring down intently “And you too, you can’t fool me.”

“Ugh.” Yuzuru rolled his eyes, trying not to grin “Fine. But it’s only fun because I play with you.”

Javi raised his head at that, smiling brightly, playful sparks dancing in his eyes.

“Are you trying to distract me?”

“Is it working?”

“Maybe.”

“Okay.” Yuzuru chuckled and then all of the sudden there was that odd feeling again, located somewhere behind his breastbone, pushing its way up his throat “Javi, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” Javi smiled, sitting more comfortably and looking at Yuzuru with encouragement “Oh, judging by your face it’s something serious?”

“Just, hm- I just wondered-”

“Yes?”

“You kissed a man before?” Yuzuru blurted out and then almost squealing in horror. He had no idea why he suddenly felt like he had to know that, and he just hoped that Javi wouldn’t be annoyed with him.

“Oh.” Javi breathed out, laughing quietly, and Yuzuru sighed with relief “That. I was wondering if you would ever ask.”

“Yeah?” Yuzuru asked anxiously and Javi grinned, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

“Yeah. I know you, you like to be well-informed about everything, now matter how much you try to chill out.”

“Well-” Yuzuru swallowed hard, and he couldn’t really argue with that “So?”

“Yes I did.” Javi said, chuckling at Yuzuru’s gasp “Surprised?”

To be honest, Yuzuru was surprised. He had never suspected that Javi could have been closer with a man before, and only a few moments later he started wondering for real, and suddenly thinking about that was making his stomach twist a little bit. He wasn’t going to fool himself with pretending that the feeling wasn’t jealousy, just a little nagging spark, something ridiculously upsetting about the fact that he wasn’t the first guy Javi was ever interested in, even though he knew he didn’t really have a right to feel like that. 

His expression must have changed visibly, because Javi scrunched his nose with concern, leaning forward a little bit to get a better look at Yuzuru’s face.

“Your drifting away from me again.’ he said, his voice light, but there was something in his words that didn’t exactly let Yuzuru relax completely. He knew that he was being weird, dangerously close to start overthinking everything. 

But then he felt a warm hand on his knee, and he blinked, and Javi was so close, his expression warm and honest, those beautiful eyes looking at Yuzuru with all the warmth in the world. 

“Don’t worry,” he whispered, swiping his thumb along Yuzuru’s jaw before grabbing his chin gently “You’re the only one I kissed twice.”

* * *

  
“M-mhh.” Yuzuru mumbled, tangling his fingers in Javi’s hair and keeping him close, not letting him pull away even for a second, even for an inch. Not that Javi was showing any intention in doing so, kissing Yuzuru as if his life was depending on it. 

Yuzuru was feeling dizzy and warm, with alcohol buzzing in his veins and Javi’s weight on him, and he felt arousal coiling in his belly, heavy and nagging and exciting. He wished there was less layers of clothing between them, in fact, he wanted them both to be naked, because Javi’s kisses and his thigh pressed in between Yuzuru’s legs, even though felt amazing- wasn’t enough. 

Yuzuru whined quietly and tugged at the short hair at Javi’s nape.

“Yeah?” Javi panted, drawing back to look at Yuzuru’s face, and he looked so good like that, lips red and pupils dilated, cheeks flushed, and Yuzuru wanted so much, desire sharp and filling his lungs, knocking the air out of him. 

“I, uh, in my bag, I have-” Yuzuru said, his voice coming out slurred, but he didn’t care at all. Javi didn’t look like he understand, though, his gaze a little hazed, fingers stroking Yuzuru’s neck.

“Huh?” he mumbled and Yuzuru giggled, moving his hand down Javi’s spine, squeezing lightly. 

“Javiii.” Yuzuru whined, rolling his hips a little and Javi gasped, his face twisting with pleasure, mouth falling open.

“Oh.” he groaned, resting his forehead against Yuzuru’s shoulder, hot breath fanning over his collarbone. He shuddered in Yuzuru’s arms, an it was clear that he wanted Yuzuru, all of him, but then he whined highly and pulled back, raising on his elbows and looking at Yuzuru with blurred but serious eyes. 

“I don’t think it’s the best idea.” he said, running his thumb along Yuzuru’s jaw, and Yuzuru gasped, not really understanding. 

“Uh?”

“We had drinks.” Javi reminded him and Yuzuru almost laughed, because he was fully aware of that.

“We did. It was good.” he giggled, surging up and trying to chase Javi’s mouth. Javi let him, sighing quietly before gently pushing Yuzuru back against the mattress. 

“Yuzu.” he said softly and Yuzuru scoffed.

“What? I’m not drunk.”

“But you’re not sober either, and I don’t want you to… regret, later.”

“What?” Yuzuru repeated, not understanding what Javier meant, because why would he regret anything?

And then, a cold suspicion growing in his stomach and making his throat dry. 

“Maybe you just- you don’t want-?”

“No, no.” Javi rushed, brushing Yuzuru’s bangs away and then stroking his cheek tenderly “It’s- I want to do it right, you know? And I- I think I need a moment too.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru gasped, feeling a wave of emotions washing over him, because he realized that it was new for Javi too, no matter how comfortable and sure he looked, he was learning too. 

So he reached to touch Javi’s face, brush against the strong line of his eyebrows, cheekbone, until he touched his lips, warm and a bit chapped. 

“Okay.” he said softly, hooking his fingers on the collar of Javi’s shirt “But can we, like, make out till we both get sober?”

Javi laughed quietly and leaned down so his lips were right above Yuzuru’s, hot and smiling.

“Definitely.”

When Yuzuru woke up, the first thing he noticed was that his throat was painfully dry, and that his right feet escaped from under the blanket and it was currently freezing. He whined quietly and curled into a ball, his eyes still closed, and after a moment he felt slight, dull pain in his temples, his body reminding him about those three glasses of wine he had drunk the day before. 

His eyes snapped open when he remembered the last evening, drinking and laughing in front of the fireplace, tipsy fumbling on the way to the bedroom, sloppy kisses and serious talks. 

He turned around slowly, blinking sleepily in the grey light filling the room, and saw that Javi was deeply asleep, cheek pressed against the pillow, one arm completely bare and curled on the sheets between them. 

Yuzuru’s heart skipped a beat.

He wanted to reach out and touch Javi’s cheek, trace his familiar features, but he ended up pressing his fingers to his own lips. He could still feel Javi’s touch, the taste of his mouth, memories so vivid Yuzuru blushed a little.

They had fallen asleep without even taking their clothes off, tired and happy in each other’s arms; Yuzuru was glad that Javi had been so reasonable, because now, looking at him sleeping by his side, Yuzuru didn’t want their first time to be some clumsy fumbling.

Yuzuru smiled, and then winced when his dry lips burned a little. He sat up slowly and covered Javi properly, careful not wake him up, and then sneaked out of the bed. The floor was cold and Yuzuru cursed himself internally for not wearing any socks or flip-flops, and he paced to the kitchen, as fast as he could. 

Through the wide window he could see dark grey sky, clouds heavy with snow. It was quiet and calm, beautiful, and Yuzuru smiled as he turned the kettle on, quickly finding the biggest cup in the cupboard and a bag of green tea. When the water was ready he grabbed the cup and went back to the bedroom, sighing contentedly when he was under a blanket again, propping himself against the headboard. He glanced at Javi, his heart fluttering, and that time he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and touching his hair gently.

He spent the next half an hour on scrolling through his phone and sipping tea, until Javi moved a little, mumbling sleepily and hiding his face in a pillow.

“Good morning.” Yuzuru chuckled, tickling Javi’s nape “Slept good?”

Javi raised his head, blinking the sleep away and giving Yuzuru the sleepiest, most lovely smile.

“Hello.” he said, sitting up slowly and shifting next to Yuzuru, sighing “You’re awake for long?”

“A moment. Want some?” Yuzuru handed him the cup and Javi took it with a grateful smile, taking a few big sips.

“Thank you. You’re good?”

“Great.” Yuzuru said and felt his cheeks warming up a little. He took the cup from Javi’s hands, putting it on the bedside table, and looked at Javi again, his stomach churning with something like anticipation. 

“I- about yesterday-”

“Yes?” Javi grinned and moved a little closer “I’m all ears.”

“Just wanted to thank you. For, hm- everything.” Yuzuru said and Javi’s smile softened.

“Don’t worry, you’re safe with me.”

His tone was light and teasing, and he flicked Yuzuru’s nose, laughing when Yuzuru scoffed and grabbed Javi’s fingers, squeezing them tightly.

“I’m very sober now, though.”

Javi’s eyelashes fluttered and he moved closer, putting one hand on Yuzuru’s knee.

“Yeah?” he murmured lowly and Yuzuru blushed even more. 

“If it’s okay.” he said quickly, remembering their talk “If’ you-”

Javi cut him off with a kiss, taste of green tea on his tongue, and Yuzuru sighed deeply, surging forward, pressing his whole body against Javi’s, arms wrapping around his shoulders to keep him steady and close. 

“Just, um-” Javi mumbled and Yuzuru drew back, only a bit, only how much was necessary to get a good look at him, and his heart skipped a little when he saw some faint lines of insecurity around Javi’s eyes.

“Yes?” he murmured, caressing Javi’s cheek with the back of his hand “What’s that?”

“Can we still, ha, take it slow?” Javi asked, smiling with a bit of embarrassment, and Yuzuru felt like his heart was going to burst with so many feelings coiling inside him, heavy and taking his breath away. 

It was almost too much, Javi’s shy eagerness, his warm hands pressed to Yuzuru’s back, his big, honest eyes, and he felt as if the time stopped, or the outside world stopped existing, and it was only them, trapped in that blissful moment that stretched into eternity. 

“As slow as we want.” Yuzuru whispered, closing the distance between their lips again “The slowest.”

It felt so right, and comforting, acting like they had forever while in fact they had just a few days, a few short days. 

But Yuzuru didn’t think about it anymore, too busy letting himself get lost in Javi’s touch, and not thinking about anything else. 

* * *

“Wow.” Javi breathed out, staring at the ceiling, and Yuzuru laughed, pressing himself against Javi’s side, putting his head on Javi’s shoulder.

“Yes?” he asked teasingly and Javi turned his head to look at him, face relaxed and eyes sparkling. 

“Yes.” he smiled before leaning in to press a chaste kiss to Yuzuru’s lips “You good?”

“Mhh.” Yuzuru nodded lazily, catching Javi’s lips again, sighing contentedly when Javi started playing with his hair.

He had never really felt like that before, his body weak and warm, muscles still fluttering with echoes of pleasure, and everything was quiet, and right. 

“Hey Javi?”

“Hmm?”

“Tell me about America.”

“Huh?” Javi narrowed his eyes, looking at Yuzuru “What do you mean?”

“About training there.” Yuzuru specified, wondering if it was the right decision, to ask. 

“Oh.” Javi murmured, surprised “Why?”

“Just… you don’t talk about it, too much. And I think it’s important, so I- I guess I want to know.” Yuzuru said, dropping a kiss to Javi’s shoulder “But you don’t have to, if you don’t want.”

Javi didn’t answer for a moment, his gaze unmoved, and then he turned his face so he was looking at the ceiling again, his expression thoughtful. Yuzuru didn’t say anything either, only nuzzled closer, letting one of his hands travel under the blanket so it was resting on Javi’s stomach, warm and comforting. 

“You’re right.” Javi said finally “It’s important. It’s just… even after all these years I’m not sure what I feel, sometimes.” he sighed and turned to look at Yuzuru, and there was something heartbreaking in the way he smiled “I guess it’s that point in our relationship when I need to tell you about my dark past, huh?”

His voice was light but just a little bit shaky, and Yuzuru regretted bringing that topic up in that moment, when Javi was so calm and relaxed. 

“I’m sorry.” he murmured, stroking Javi’s chest gently before resting his hand on his stomach again “Forget I ask?”

“It doesn’t work like that.” Javi said, with a smile that seemed older than him, and he leaned to press a short kiss to Yuzuru’s forehead “And you can ask me about anything, you know?”

Yuzuru bit his lower lip and nuzzled against Javi’s shoulder, closing his eyes and choosing to be silent, hoping that maybe that weird tension in the air would fade away. 

“It was a lot.” Javi said and Yuzuru raised his head, looking at him silently “I learned a lot, and I struggled as much. That is how I can sum this up, I guess. It’s-” he sighed, his fingers drawing gentle circles on Yuzuru’s nape “I can’t regret this, you know? It made me who I am, it put me on a path to the top, so I guess- I guess it was all worth it, in the end. All of that.”

His voice cracked just a little at the end, and Yuzuru’s heart clenched, a lump forming in his throat. He felt like he should say something, but he decided against it; instead, he shifted a little, so now he could drop a few soft kisses to Javi’s neck, feeling his pulse, just a little bit quicker than usual. 

“You were really brave, you know.” he whispered against Javi’s skin, and Javi chuckled quietly.

“More like reckless. And hopeful, I guess.”

“Isn’t it all the same thing?” Yuzuru asked, shifting a little to get a better look at Javi’s face which was now covered with a faint blush. 

“Why are you going all intellectual on me?” he complained, and Yuzuru could see that it was time to cut the topic off, lock the past away once again and don’t let Javi drown in old memories. 

“You don’t like it?” Yuzuru teased, raising his eyebrow, and there was a flash of relief and gratitude on Javi’s face, his arm wrapping around Yuzuru’s waist to keep him close.

“Actually, I find it kind of sexy.” 

“Ha.” Yuzuru hummed, leaning closer so his nose was brushing Javi’s jaw, his hand moving lower to caress tender skin on the inside of Javi’s thigh “I knew you were into it.”

“Maybe I’m just into you.” Javi said and then pressed his his mouth shut, eyes widening just a little, and Yuzuru’s heart stopped for a moment, only to start beating wildly a second later. 

It wasn’t something any of them was supposed to say, even when joking. They had made it clear with each other, that it was what it was, a week of gateway, growing closer, sharing intimacy. Rest, and be happy. 

But something happened along the way, or maybe it was there all along, and Yuzuru didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to think about it at all, because Javi was going back to Spain and Yuzuru had medals to win and jumps to land, and no matter how good it felt, no matter what his traitorous mind was whispering to him- there couldn’t be more. 

So Yuzuru blinked his tears away and swallowed over a lump in his throat, and leaned down, kissing Javi with everything he had and pushing everything else aside. 

_ You can have it, just a little bit longer. _

_ Just a little bit more. _

* * *

Yuzuru bit on his lower lip, so hard he expected to feel some blood in a second. He stared through the front window, willing himself not to look back at the cabin disappearing in between the trees, because he had no idea what his reaction would be. Next to him Javi tapped the wheel a few times before grabbing it properly, focusing on the road, but Yuzuru couldn’t help but notice slight shadow in the corner of his mouth, a little frown twisting his expression. 

Their last day of vacation had been a little odd, quiet comparing to the previous ones. They huddled on the couch, embracing each other but barely doing anything else, watching movie after movie, both of them not focusing on the multiple plots at all, both deep in their own worlds. 

Yuzuru had no idea what he was feeling, exactly, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to untangle that knot, so painfully tight inside his chest. 

It wasn’t supposed to be like that, he was supposed to be coming back to Toronto relaxed, with new approach and with things being normal between him and Javi. But now he was staring at the road in front of him, and he felt as if Javi was a million miles away, even though in fact he was so close Yuzuru could basically feel his warmth, or maybe it was just his imagination, or a memory.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. He had to start getting himself together. 

It had been great, and just what he needed, but there was still one thing he cared about the most, and he had to focus on that again.

Jumps to land, medals to win, right?

Javi turned the radio on after half an hour of silence, not really awkward but also not fully uncomfortable, both of them deep in their own thoughts, soft music filling the empty space between them. 

About fifty kilometers before Toronto they stopped on a gas station, Javi filling the tank and then coming back with two take away cups, one with tea for Yuzuru and one with coffee for himself. 

“So.” Javi started and Yuzuru looked at him, fingers wrapping around the cup anxiously “Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes.” Yuzuru said, way too quickly for Javi to buy it “Why?”

“You’re super quiet.”

“You too.”

“Fair.” Javi chuckled, for the first time in what felt like ages, and then sighed shortly “Just checking in on you.”

“I know.” Yuzuru nodded, his lips curling in a smile “I’m sorry, It’s just-”

“A bit weird? I know.” Javi chuckled, looking down at his hands “It was, uhm, it was a week, right?”

He was trying so hard to make things comfortable again, and Yuzuru didn’t feel like he deserved it, and he wasn’t even sure if he wanted it. 

“Hey.” Javi murmured, and there was some deep longing in his voice, vibrating in the air between them “Look at me?”

So Yuzuru did, because he had to, and his heart stuttered painfully when he met Javi’s eyes, dark, warm, and so familiar.

“Thank you for the best seven years.” Javi whispered before placing a soft kiss on Yuzuru’s lips, and it all ended to soon, too rapidly, too painfully easy. 

Just like it was always happening. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... happy weekend?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I changed the chapter count to "?" because I'm that kind of a disaster author but I guess you know it by now haha but I THINK there will be one, top two more. What can I say things are evolving and I can't help itttt. Hope you enjoy!

“Javi, son, you’re okay?”

“Oh, he must be so tired, do you want to stay here for the night? I will just go bring you some clean sheets-”

Javi blinked tiredly, trying to focus enough to smile and reassure everyone that he was perfectly fine, but his mom was already on her feet and dad was smiling at him from across the table, gently pushing a basket with bread in his direction. 

“Maybe eat something more, you look like you need energy.”

“I’m just a little jet-lagged.” Javi said, feeling a sudden urge to yawn “I landed at like, 3am and didn’t really manage to catch some sleep-”

“What a shame, having a few additional days of free vacation and ending up dead tired.” Laura joked, elbowing him playfully, and Javi knew he should laugh or say something back, but he couldn’t speak past that awful lump in his throat, so he reached for his glass and took a few greedy sips, swallowing with difficulty. 

He was acting off and he knew it, but his family seemed to be putting that on his long flight, which was a convenient half truth, since he had got maybe twenty minutes of sleep. 

“Oh, right!” his mom smiled brightly, walking into the room again “Did you have fun, sweetie?”

“I-” Javi hesitated, his chest pulsing with the same ache he had been feeling for so many hours now he almost got used to it “Yeah, it was fun.”

“That’s wonderful, I thought you would be a bit bored, stuck in the house for so long-”

“I’m sorry.” Javi croaked, standing up so rapidly his chair almost fell “I’m dead tired, I will take a shower and try to catch some sleep.”

“Of course sweetie, and if you want to stay a few more days with us, you know it’s not a problem.”

Javi nodded, sending his mom a ghost of a smile before running off to the bathroom and only when he was standing under a stream of hot water, he let himself take a deep breath, and after a moment air left his lungs with a quiet sob.

He wasn’t feeling well. 

He had known it was going to be terrible the moment he sat down on a seat in a plane at Toronto airport, and a man sitting next to him looked at him with sympathy and asked if he wanted some medicine for motion sickness, and Javi felt like he was going to throw up. He had spent the whole flight on coming to terms with the fact that his life was now much different than two weeks before, much more difficult, and much more painful. 

Javi rested his forehead against the shower wall, taking deep, slow breaths through his open mouth, one hand pressed against his breastbone, as if that could ease the pressure inside his chest, pulsing, nagging, neverending. 

Javi couldn’t even tell when it had happened, if it was something new or something that had been always somewhere deep inside him, but he knew what it was, and he was so damn scared, helpless against those waves crashing inside of him, flooding his heart and lungs and mind, trying to suffocate him.

It took him a few minutes, to get himself together, glad that water washed all the tears from his face, and he sneaked to his room, making sure he wouldn’t bump into anyone. He loved them, and he was happy to see them, but he needed some more time alone, to try and figure out what he was supposed to do with himself now. But when he stepped into his old bedroom, he was glad he had chosen to stay for the night, because he wasn’t sure if he would be able to handle quiet loneliness of his apartment, that wasn’t even so far away, but Javi shuddered at the thought of going there now. There was something so incredibly comforting in those blue walls, bookshelves still filled with his books and old magazines, and it was good to know that even though he didn’t feel like talking with anyone, his family was just a few steps away. 

He was dead tired, but at the same time he wasn’t feeling like sleeping. He always had the biggest troubles with jet lag, and he knew that no pill would help him, and he groaned helplessly as he dropped on the carpet and leaned against his bed, closing his eyes. 

Nothing was going as it should, and Javi felt stupid tears gathering in his eyes again and he hated it, he hated how he was feeling, helpless and so damn broken- hearted he just wanted to scream and punch something, call Brian and yell at him and his fucking ideas, and then call Yuzuru and tell him what he had done. 

But instead of doing any of that, he just curled his fingers against the soft, washed-out carpet, opening his eyes and staring at the lights outside, salt burning in his eyes. 

For some reason he wasn’t really surprised when five minutes later he heard knocking to his door and Laura walked in, carrying two bottles of beer and wearing a familiar expression of hers, meaning she was concerned but didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, not to make Javi feel like he was obliged to tell her everything but still wanting to help him. 

“For better sleep.” she said, sitting on the floor next to Javi and handing him one of the bottless.

“More like for running to pee in the middle of the night.” Javi muttered, a pathetic attempt to tease her, and Laura’s expression softened as she looked at him from up close, her eyes searching Javi’s face. 

“Speaking of bathrooms-” she started, bumping their shoulder together “You know in my room I can perfectly hear when someone’s crying in the shower?”

“You always know what to say, huh?” Javi asked, the words sarcastic but his voice not, and there was a bile in his throat again, so he stared at the bottle in his hands, wondering if he should really open it, feeling Laura’s eyes on him, warm and patient, and Javi bit his lower lip, battling with himself whether he should say anything or not. 

“You don’t have to tell me.” Laura said quietly, reading his thoughts like she usually could “Just wanted an excuse to drink some beer. I have priorities, you know.”

Javi couldn’t help but laugh at that, short and low, the pressure inside his chest ceasing a little. He opened his mouth, taking a deep breath, almost ready to say something, but he ended up pressing his lips shut, as if paralyzed by some ridiculous fear of her reaction, even though he knew so well she would only support him.

But saying it out loud would make it all so real, sharing it with someone would be baring a piece of his soul, and Javi had no idea if he was ready for that. 

"What happened in Canada?" Laura asked quietly, and Javi felt something inside him breaking, and truly, did he have anything more to lose? 

"I fell in love." his voice was strangled and quiet and not really his "And it's-" 

He spent a few next long minutes with his face hidden against Laura's shoulder, her fingers carding through his hair as he trembled slightly, letting all his emotions turn into tears and seep into the soft fabric of Laura's shirt. 

"There." she hummed quietly when he calmed down a little, her hand gently wiping his cheek "It's okay."

"It's really not." he chuckled wetly, blinking the last tears away "Uh, sorry about that-"

"Shut the hell up." Laura said calmly, squeezing his shoulder "Better tell me what you're going to do now."

"I don't know. Nothing, probably." Javi muttered, his throat raw and hurting, so he twisted the cap off, taking a small sip “But I will be okay.” he added, not because he felt that way, but in a weak attempt to ease Laura’s worry. She didn’t buy it, of course she didn’t, and she sighed quietly, her smile compassionate and comforting. 

"That doesn't sound like you, Javi."

“Doesn't it, really?” he half asked, shrugging, and his chest and stomach hurt so much for a moment he was afraid he would just throw up, everything making him feel physically sick “There is nothing- what can I-”

“Do you think-” Laura started, taking his hand and squeezing his fingers reassuringly “Is there a chance that he might feel the same?”

Javi didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about what he had left behind, and about the future that wasn’t meant to be. He didn’t want to think about those few snowy days that had changed everything.

He wanted to tell Laura that it was not an option, that it had been just sex, and that there was no chance that Yuzuru felt something more. But that would be a lie, because he remembered all too well how Yuzuru looked at him, tears in his eyes that he was trying to hide, heavy silence filling the car on their way back to Toronto. 

“I think he might.”

“And you’re not going to do anything about it?”

“And what am I supposed to do?” Javi choked out, fingers wrapping tightly around the bottle in his hands “He won’t stop competing. I don’t want to go back to Canada, and I don’t want to start another mess, I can’t do this, no-”

“Hey, what are you talking about-”

“I always mess up, Laura.” he said, putting the bottle down and hiding his face in his hands “Everyone fucking knows that I always mess up, and I can’t do it again, not with him, I just-”

“Stop this.” Laura ordered, her voice trembling as she took his hands, tearing them from his face and squeezing them tightly “Don’t say things like that.”

“But it’s true.” Javi mumbled, his tongue stiff and burning “It’s-”

“Shhhh.” she whispered soothingly, cradling his face against her shoulder, her hand moving on his back “Just breathe, okay? And stop saying things like that. You need to rest, and everything will be better tomorrow.”

“Maybe not tomorrow.” Javi mumbled “But some day.”

“Oh Javi.” Laura sighed, pulling back a little so she could look at his face, her fingers brushing tenderly against his cheek “All I want it for you to feel better, but do you really just want to sit here and hope you will stop loving him one day?”

“There is nothing else I can do.” Javi repeated weakly, and he had never felt so exhausted before, his eyelids closing, and Laura sighed again, leaning to kiss his forehead.

“Come, let’s get you to bed.”

She tucked him in a blanket like a child, and kissed his forehead again, her smile soft and voice softer as she brushed hair from his forehead, eyes wise and gentle.

“You have so much love to give, Javi. Don't be afraid of that."

* * *

  
  


“Yuzu? Hey, everything alright?”

Yuzuru blinked and looked up at Brian, who was staring at him with concern in his eyes. 

“You look pale, and you took some nasty falls today, do you want to leave earlier?”

“Yes.”

Yuzuru said that without much thinking, and Brian blinked quickly, clearly expecting Yuzuru to deny as usual, and rush back on the ice. But Yuzuru wasn’t really feeling like himself for the past two weeks, or maybe it was the other way around and it was the first time in forever when he was his true self. 

He looked away from Brian’s surprised face and stared at the ice, where his teammates were practicing, focused, determined, full of hopes and dreams, and Yuzuru felt like something inside him cracked, again, one more little line carved in his heart.

“Yuzu, what’s wrong?” Brian asked after a moment, sitting down next to him “You acting a bit… quiet, lately. Since-” 

“Since I came back.” Yuzuru said blankly “I know.”

_It hurts it hurts it hurts._

Brian was quiet for a moment before he cleared his throat, his shoulders tensing awkwardly. 

“Did something happen?”

Yuzuru wanted to laugh at that, tell Brian that it was all his doing, and if it weren’t for that damn trip, he would never feel like that, aching and torn and filled with so many emotions he had never expected a human being could feel that much at once.

And yet, there he was.

He looked at the ice again, that crack in his heart growing deeper and deeper, as if was about to split that pathetic little thing in half. 

“Yuzu?”

“I will end, for today.” Yuzuru said suddenly, standing up “But can we meet tomorrow? With Tracy and Ghislain, too.”

“Yeah, I can arrange that.” Brian nodded, a worried frown still on his face “Is this something serious?”

Yuzuru smiled, and it took all his self control not to burst into tears.

“Don’t worry. All is fine, I promise.”

He left before Brian could ask more questions, and only when he was alone in a deserted locker room he allowed himself to breathe deeply, his lungs burning as he flopped on one of the benches. 

He was tired of pretending, and smiling and training and acting as if everything was just like it had used to be.

It took him a moment, just slow breathing and closed eyes, and then he opened his locker and grabbed his phone, his throat growing tight as his thumb hovered over Javi’s name. 

They had exchanged a few texts since parting their ways, dry, awkward questions and jokes about jet lag, carefully avoiding anything deep or meaningful that could lead them to talking about past, or future. 

It was ridiculous, Yuzuru thought, scrolling through his contacts. It was ridiculous, that he had wanted him and Javi to grow closer, to be friends, and at the end of the day, they were as distant as before, but now it was so painful Yuzuru wasn’t sure if it would ever be better. 

“Is everything okay?” his mom asked with worry when he got into the car “Practice went good or-”

“It was fine.” he said shortly and she glanced at him, her lips forming a frown as she started the engine and slowly drove out from the parking lot. 

He knew that she was worrying about him, she always was, but it was different, since he had came back from that little getaway with Javi. She tried to ask, gently, her expression warm and loving, but Yuzuru couldn’t bring himself to tell her what was going on with him. And maybe he needed time for himself still, to figure out what had happened and what he was supposed to do. 

“Yuzu?”

He blinked, and realized that they were waiting for the light to turn green, and his mom was looking at her with so much love and concern Yuzuru felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Please, what’s going on?”

“I-” Yuzuru tried, clearing his throat, fingers curling on his knees “Can we stop for a coffee somewhere?” he blurted out and his mom blinked rapidly, worry turning into confusion. 

It wasn’t something they did, going to restaurants or cafes, just for shopping or a short walk from time to time, and Yuzuru could see how much she was trying to understand what was going on, eyes wide, expression puzzled.

“But you don’t like coffee.” she said helplessly, as if that was the only thing her brain could cling to. 

And with that, seeing her so confused and not knowing how to help him- Yuzuru felt tears filling his eyes and running down his cheeks, quick and silent, and for some reason- absolutely freeing.

“But what if I do.” he choked out, his vision turning blurry, and he was vaguely aware of a warm hand taking his, and it only caused more tears to fall "I think I do."

They stopped again five minutes later, and Yuzuru almost fell into a snowdrift while stepping out of the car, feeling as if it was some bizzare dream, a life of someone else. And then suddenly he was sitting by a window table in a cosy coffee shop, his fingers wrapped around a warm cup, and his mom looking at him with big, tired eyes. 

“Son-” she started quietly, and Yuzuru felt so bad, for causing her so much heartache “- what’s going on?”

Yuzuru swallowed hard, and took a deep breath.

“I need to tell you.” he said, reaching to touch her hand “About Javi.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took some time but we're getting closer to the end of this journey!

Javi winced a little when a group of giggly flower girls ran past him, rushing towards the rink with skates in their hands, and he immediately felt bad for feeling slightly annoyed by the noise. But he had a right not to be in the best shape, since he had landed in Canada barely two days earlier and he didn’t really manage to catch any sleep since then. 

He still wasn’t sure if it was the best idea, but when Spanish federation offered him a free pass at worlds, he couldn’t really say no to that, especially when Laura slapped him with a pillow and stated apodictically that he was going. 

So, there he was, so exhausted that he could barely keep his eyes open during men’s short program, and only his poor, foolish heart clenched with longing so painful he almost couldn’t breathe when it was Yuzuru’s turn to skate. 

He hadn’t told him that he was coming, their texts so sporadic and awkward Javi had no idea what to write, scared of Yuzuru’s reaction. 

And now there he was, walking across crowded corridors, a part of him hoping he would bump into Yuzuru, the other wishing for the total opposite. 

“Javi!”

He turned around only to find some lanky creature falling into his arms, laughing loudly and knocking the air out of his lungs, and Javi couldn’t help but smile, still musing over how it was possible that Nam was taller than him. 

“Old man!” Nam giggled, drawing back so Javi could get a better look at his beaming smile “How are you? What are you doing here, it’s so cool!”

“Came to see you, obviously.” Javi smiled, feeling knots in his stomach loosening up a little, wave of fondness warming him up “You’re having fun?”

“Every time, all the time.” Nam laughed and then sighed, his smile content and eyes shining happily “Man, it’s really so good to see you. Wishing you would still skate with us?”

“What, want to get your ass kicked?”

“Ha, talk about yourself, grandpa-”

It was easy, and almost surreal, to chat with Nam like that, as if nothing had really changed, and for a second Javi felt like it would be his turn in a moment, to go chage and step on the ice, perform for that buzzing crowd out there. But it wasn’t the case, and Javi had to admit to himself that the reason he was there was entirely different. 

“Oho, you have that weird look on your face.” Nam said, his smile turning knowing, and a little bit mischievous.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning like you’re having an inner battle about something.” Nam chuckled before reaching to pat Javi’s shoulder “Gotta run, but I will see you around, yeah? We need to catch up!”

“Sure! It-” Javi started, but was cut off by a loud noise at the end of the corridor, and all the words died on his tongue. There was a group of people, officials, some journalists, and then Javi noticed Tracy’s blonde hair, and his stomach flipped as he realized who he was going to see in a moment and he didn’t feel like he could do that, not there, not so sudden and not with all those people around. And it wouldn’t be fair, to appear in front of Yuzuru like that, in a middle of the most important competition of the season, distract him like that with his clumsy words and complicated feelings, and even more complicated memories. 

So Javi managed to smile at Nam, mutter something about seeing him later, and then he turned around, walking away and trying not to feel like he was running away. 

* * *

Javi couldn’t sleep. In fact, he felt as if he hadn’t slept in ages, only falling into shallow naps, but he spent most of the time on just staring at the ceiling, or tossing around, not able to keep his eyes closed for more than few seconds. He was exhausted, his body weak and heavy, but his mind was screaming mercilessly.

He wasn’t even sure what he was going to do, now, and he felt terribly stupid and terribly lonely, in that non- descriptive hotel room, wide awake when he should be asleep, his skin feeling hot and his bones fragile. 

He just wanted to sleep, and he didn’t want to sleep alone, and suddenly he was on the verge of tears because it wasn’t fair, and he wanted to go back to that time before, when he had been just learning that maybe he didn’t need someone by his side all the time to feel happy. 

He almost jumped when he heard some weird noise, his brain not able to identify it at first, but then he realized that it was knocking, quiet but decided, and Javi suppressed a groan. It had to be someone from his federation, only they knew where he was staying, and they were going to get a piece of his mind, if he would be able to form coherent sentences. 

But then he opened the door, and he had to lean against the frame as all energy left his body and he was only able to look, his heart picking up and stuttering, pulsing painfully through his entire body.

“Hi.” 

Yuzuru seemed thinner than before, his team jacket hanging off his shoulders, white fabric matching his pale complexion. He seemed as tired as Javi was feeling, and just as miserable, and Javi felt like he would really, really cry now. 

“Hi.” he said back, and noticed how Yuzuru’s hand curled into a fist for a moment, as if he wanted to hide trembling of his fingers “Uh, you want to come in?”

Yuzuru’s mouth twitched a little before he nodded silently, stepping inside the room, and Javi felt a little embarrassed for a mess he had already done, but then he forgot about, choosing to focus than Yuzuru was there, right in front of him and so close, and Javi had no idea what to do. 

He wanted to ask a million questions, and judging by Yuzuru’s face, he was feeling something similar, and Javi wondered who would be the first to break the ice. Maybe it would be him, but just in a moment, because now Javi was looking at Yuzuru, his heart clenched, and he wondered if he was really ready to give up his whole life for him. 

Would Yuzuru let him? Would he want it?

“You didn’t tell me.” Yuzuru said, voice a bit hoarse, and Javi wondered if he had been crying before “You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“Yeah, I- sorry.” Javi mumbled, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly “I just- I didn’t know- how.” he finished miserably and Yuzuru blinked rapidly, and he looked as if he was suffering too, being torn apart by his own feelings and doubts. 

“Why are you here.” Yuzuru murmured, and it didn’t even sound like a question, even though his eyes were full of wonder, and Javi’s throat was raw and tender and he couldn’t just not say anything, the silence between them too heavy and too risky, and Javi just decided that misunderstanding was the last thing he would want for them, not after all had happened between them.

“The team offered. Full pass in exchange of me being a moral support.” Javi said, taking the smallest step closer, and feeling ridiculously relieved when Yuzuru didn’t move away, just keep on looking at Javi with eyes that seemed just a little bit terrified “And, I guess- I wanted to talk to you.”

There he was, trying to put his thoughts and feelings into words, more clumsy than ever, feeling his heart was going to jump out of his chest. 

“Oh.” Yuzuru swallowed hard, looking down briefly before meeting Javi’s eyes again, some desperate hope flicking in his eyes “I- about?”

“About what happened. Between us?”

Since when he was so awkward? Since when he couldn’t just go for it and say what he meant, what he felt?

“Oh.” Yuzuru repeated, sounding lost and helpless, and so not like Yuzuru Hanyu Javi knew, confident, success driven, decided. But now there he was, looking at Javi with expression so open and vulnerable there was no more playing games. 

“I guess-” Javi breathed out, taking one, two steps more, and reaching to take Yuzuru’s hand, choosing to look at their joined fingers instead of Yuzuru’s face, just in case, just in case if he was totally wrong. 

“I just thought that you might love me too.”

Yuzuru took a long, sharp breath, and when he let it out it sounded both like a sob and a strangled laugh, and Javi closed his eyes, focusing on how Yuzuru’s hand felt in his, and he wondered if in a few seconds all of what he had imagined would just fade away like a surreal dream. 

And then he felt Yuzuru’s fingers wrapping around his, cold and strong, and a moment later he felt Yuzuru’s nose pressing against his cheek, warm breath fluttering against Javi’s jaw. 

A few seconds of silence, dragging like eternity, two heartbeats and rapid intakes of breath. 

“And you are right.” Yuzuru whispered, and before Javi could really wrap his mind around what was going on, he felt two hands grabbing his face, and suddenly he was looking at Yuzuru’s face, close and tired, and Javi felt how the whole energy he was holding left his body, and it was too much, and he just wanted to go to sleep and wake up in the world when it all would still be true. 

So he didn’t say anything, just took Yuzuru’s hand and and pulled him until Javi was on his back and Yuzuru was basically on top of him, his face hidden in the curve of Javi’s neck, and Javi would love to bask in that odd, new and somehow utterly familiar sensation more, but for the first time in what felt like ages, his eyes closed, and sleep came to him easily, just like that, with Yuzuru secure in his arms, breathing calmer than before, as if he still wanted to say something.

And maybe he did say something, a hushed whisper against his ear, or maybe it was just the feeling. 

And it felt like truth. 

* * *

Waking up was slow, like leaving a big warm pool filled with cotton. Javi’s eyelids were heavy, and he gave up a fight of keeping them open after a few second, letting his other senses sharpen gradually. 

He gasped quietly, his nerves registering something warm and soft pressed to his stomach, and Javi groaned, fighting once again to open his eyes, and when he finally managed to do so, his heart stopped for a second. 

Some repositioning had happened during the night, because now Yuzuru’s face was pressed to Javi’s stomach, his breathing warm and tingling a bit of exposed skin, one arm curled around Javi’s waist securely, as if unconsciously making sure he wouldn’t go away. 

Javi blinked, his eyesight and mind a bit foggy as everything started coming back to him, memories, feelings, that shy bit of hope and a question of what now. 

That was a good question. 

Slowly, he reached to touch Yuzuru’s hair, carding through the soft strands, and it felt so simple and so real, and was it really going to be like that, after all that struggle and tears? 

Yuzuru sighed sleepily, moving a little and Javi’s hand stopped, he felt a little guilty for waking him up, but Yuzuru didn’t seem too mind. He glanced at Javi, his eyes blurred with sleep still, a small sweet smile forming on his lips before he nuzzled into Javi’s shirt, bunching the fabric a little as he kept on pressing little kisses through the thin layer, and Javi’s mouth went a dry. His brain had still some troubles witch catching up, with accepting that it was all happening, and he only stared, hand caressing the top of Yuzuru’s head until he felt warm lips pressing to tender skin of his hip.

“Yuzu.” he muttered, his voice still raw from sleep, and Yuzuru looked up at him, expression clearer than before. 

“Hi.” he said, slowly climbing up Javi’s body until there were only a few inches separating their faces, and once again, it felt real and unreal at the same time, and Javi had no idea what to say, how to say it, now that he was fully rested and in the bright light of the day, with Yuzuru in his arms, looking at him with his expression soft and serious, hair sticking in all directions and the last shadows of sleep lingering in the corners of his eyes. 

“What time is it?” Javi blurted out and immediately felt like an idiot, his neck burning with a blush, and Yuzuru scrunched his nose in confusion that soon morphed into fondness. 

“Do you really want to know?”

“I-” Javi hesitated, reaching to touch the collar of Yuzuru’s shirt “Don’t you have some practice today?”

“I do.” Yuzuru nodded “And I don’t really care.”

“What?” Javi asked, his voice quiet and confused, sounding kind of pathetic even to him, and Yuzuru’s eyes shone with so much affection Javi’s breathing hitched. 

“You’re here.” Yuzuru whispered, leaning to press a kiss to Javi’s jaw “Can we- can we eat breakfast and talk? Please. I-”

“Yeah.” Javi whispered, moving his fingers to caress Yuzuru’s nape, watching with awe how his eyelids fluttered as he leaned into Javi’s touch. 

When Yuzuru was taking a quick shower Javi managed to order a simple breakfast and give himself a calming prep talk. He hadn’t really got it all planned when he was imagining what to do, what to offer, what to ask for. And now he didn’t have much time to think it through either, because then Yuzuru was back, walking out of the bathroom wearing one of Javi’s t-shirt, smiling a bit shyly, and it felt almost like during those few days in the cabin, when they had been happy and careless.

"I, uh, got some sandwiches." Javi said, and he could basically feel the tips of his ears turning pink "I hope you like?" 

"Mh-mm." Yuzuru nodded, worrying his lower lip between his teeth before closing the distance between them and then pressing his mouth to Javi's, and there was a minty tang of toothpaste on his tongue, and Javi wondered dizzily if Yuzuru had used his toothbrush, and he didn't really mind, but then he forgot about it as he stepped into the familiar curve of Yuzuru's body, tangling his fingers in his hair to keep him close. 

He lost track of time, too busy reminding himself slight roughness of his chapped lips and heat of his mouth, and they would probably stay like that forever, but then Yuzuru's stomach growled quietly, and he pulled away with an embarrassed groan.

"Yeah." Javi laughed, happy, awkward, and still just a little bit terrified "Let's eat. And then- yeah, we talk."

"I was planning to do that, you know?" Yuzuru murmured, taking Javi's hand and squeezing his fingers gently "Talk to you. I just- I didn't know how."

Javi hummed quietly, rubbing Yuzuru's knuckles with his thumb. They had just finished eating and now were sitting on the bed, holding hands and looking at each other. 

"Me neither." Javi admitted "It was… a lot. And I was kind of mad, for a moment." 

"At me?" 

"At both of us. For complicating all of that."

Yuzuru nodded, biting his lip and looking down for a moment before glancing at Javi again. 

"I can't even tell when it happened. Or when I realized. I just- I'm sorry that it hurt you."

"It's okay." Javi whispered, pushing words through the lump in his throat "We're here now." 

Yuzuru nodded slowly before leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Javi's, quiet, intimate, his breath fluttering, and Javi felt like that was the right moment to throw the offer on the table, show how important it was to him. 

"I could move back in here." he said, ignoring anxious stuttering of his heart "I just need a few-" 

"No."

Javi gasped and pulled back a little, looking at Yuzuru's face and feeling something cold growing in his chest, fear that he misunderstood everything, somehow. 

Yuzuru must have noticed that, because his expression changed immediately, and he reached to cup Javi's cheek, thumb moving soothingly. 

"You can't come back here." he said quietly "You need your family, and sun, and do everything you dreamed of. You need to help skating in Spain, and- and I will go with you, if you let me." 

It was an option Javi had never considered. It was clear to him, that Yuzuru was going to skate more, train in Toronto, and Javi made peace with the thought that he would leave Spain once again, to fight for his dreams. And now, he couldn’t make any sense of Yuzuru’s words, his brain not accepting what he heard. 

“I don’t- what?” he asked pathetically and Yuzuru smiled, so unbearably gentle.

“It was just really stupid of me.” he said quietly “To pretend that it all made sense without you.”

It was too much, all of the sudden, and Javi felt lost, because it was so much more and so much different from what he had expected, and he had to close his eyes to prevent those ridiculous tears from falling, because that wouldn’t make any sense, to cry now, right?

“So now we cry, right?” Yuzuru whispered, putting both his hands on Javi’s shoulder and pushing him gently until he was on his back, and when he looked at Yuzuru he saw that his eyes were shining too. 

“We have a lot of talking to do.” Yuzuru murmured, his nose brushing against Javi’s “But can I kiss you first?”

“Yeah.” Javi whispered, taking Yuzuru’s face in his hands and feeling happier than he had in what felt like ages “Yes, you can.”

* * *

“Here.” Brian smiled, handing Javi a paper cup with coffee “I can’t guarantee it’s drinkable, though.”

“I will manage.” Javi chuckled, smiling at the feeling of deja vu “Thanks!”

“Sure.”

They were slowly walking through the crowded corridors, heading towards the room press conference was going to be held in. Javi hadn’t had many opportunities to talk with Brian yet, and he knew that now they wouldn’t have much time either. But soon, hopefully, they would be able to catch up, and judging by Brian’s expression, he would love to have some longer chat too.

“I swear, you boys.” Brian sighed, a bit exasperated, but his smile was fond, and Javi chuckled again.

“It’s your fault, you know. Telling me that I should go on that vacation with him.”

“Well, I guess-” Brian shrugged, a little awkward “This is so new? And last thing I expected, when he asked for a meeting with me and Tracy, and Ghislain… and he just comes in, all calm, thanking us for all the years and-” Brian stops, and clears his throat, sending Javi a small, tired smile “Now I’m the one needing vacation.”

Javi didn’t know what to say to that, and they didn’t have time now, entering the conference room, buzzing with chatter and excitement, so he only patted Brian’s shoulder, promising to find him later before going to the back and finding a free chair next to some girl occupied with her phone. 

Buzzing even intensified when all the medalists came in, and Javi smiled to himself, sitting patiently through it all and then through the first comments and questions, wondering if Yuzuru could see him from so far away. 

_ It’s real, it’s real, it’s true.  _

“A question to Yuzuru, please.” some guy from the first row said, and Javi blinked, focusing again “We still didn’t have a chance to see a quad axel yet, but do you think you can achieve it next season?”

Javi’s heart skipped a beat. 

Yuzuru smiled, leaning closer to the microphone. 

“I don’t think so. Since it was my last competition.”

The silence that fell after those words was deafening, and the only sound Javi heard was his own heartbeat. 

Yuzuru smiled again.

“I wanted to land it in a competition someday, really. But there are things I want more.”

That finally seemed to settle in, and the noise that erupted after that quickly turned into a chaos that poor moderator wasn’t able to calm down. Javi didn’t pay any mind to that, though, too busy looking at Yuzuru who was staring back at him, smiling, as if there was no one else in the room beside them.

“Your smile is really wide.” the girl next to him noted, for some reason not affected by the hectic mood around them, and Javi shrugged, not looking away even for a second.

“I’m just really, really happy.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Don't hesitate to tell me what you think!


End file.
